Back in 2009 I read the book The Alchemist. It gave me a message I had forgotten about. That I have a heart.
All this time I thought it to be an organ in my body to pump blood. Well, after reading the Alchemist I saw that I was not using my heart the right way. It lay dormant while my mind did all the work.
Everything I did was based on logic, if I felt any strange feelings from my decisions (my emotions) I would brush them off as being weak. Find something else to keep me busy and then bury those emotions so deep I would never hear from them again.
Truth be told, as an emotionally neglected child emotions were something I was told not to feel. My mother told me it was all in my mind. Yes, mother that would be correct, it was all in my mind. There was no crying in my childhood house, no reason to ever use your heart. Every relationship I started with a boy, (which were few) my mother somehow knew from the beginning it was doomed. Telling me not to get attached because it won’t last long, he’ll find someone better then me. Looking at that from a young girl’s view the only thing I thought of is I have nothing to offer. I’m not a good student, I have a space between my teeth and a big nose.
I took the advice of the book and starting using my heart again. At first it was hard my mind would not shut up when my heart was talking. Over time with practice I was starting to understand the important balance between the two. Now, if I would have stayed in the Midwest instead of returning to LA my heart may have had a chance at a happy life. Although you know what they say moving only changes your location.
Well, to make a long story short; this is a blog. I woke up today and faced the cold hard facts that for the past few years my heart has been broken. I mean it’s pumping the blood and all, but the desire to be loved is all but gone. The obsessive thoughts of my mother’s words come back to me every day. That alone is enough to drive you crazy. I’m not good enough, no one will want me. That coupled with my paranoia that no one wants me because I was in “porn”.
The point is I can’t seem to get my heart back and I can’t bury things like I used to, therapy will do that to you. I was so full of love and motivation, it doesn’t seem to be there anymore. You know that excitement and desire for life and love. Sure, I’m still making it through each day but the thrill and my heart is fading fast.
People ask me what I want for Christmas I want my heart back. I have so much love in my life but why is it one person, (Some would call this person a catalyst.) could come along with no consideration for hearts and change all that. I’m a strong person, but this has knocked me down harder than anything in my life. I really don’t understand why. Well, yes I do, no one has ever made me feel more worthless and unlovable. Not good enough for anything. Only my mom comes in a close second.
I sure don’t want to give up on love, but I’m having a tough time with this. Was I in love or was it the familiar pain of being emotional neglected that I held on to? Either way if I could have one wish, I wish for my heart back. If nothing else maybe being honest and opening up about this will help it heal.