TO SAY OR NOT TO SAY THAT IS THE QUESTION

To Say or Not To Say?

That is the Question!

There is not a day that goes by I  don’t read a tweet on Twitter or posting on Facebook that somebody is saying somebody did them wrong.  They talk about what a terrible person that person is.

So, why is it the scorned person never mentions the bad person’s name. (If someone you know beat you up or stole from you, wouldn't you tell the police their name.) Yet in this instant they tell everyone what a bad person he or she is. They beat you, took money from you or used you. Others say this person ripped them off business wise, and no one should deal with them. Not saying their name.

Well, if they are that bad how am I going to protect myself from them if I don’t know who they are? First off maybe I know this person and will go to them directly and find out what’s going on. If I don’t know them and meet them I will be much more caution now. I now have information about their character, whether it’s true or not. Not to say I will not do business with them, but I will proceed with caution.

I think it was a few years back; there was a website that went up where woman could name men that had done them wrong. If the man was married or he financially took advantage of them. I guess that site is just a list of all the sociopaths woman come across. It didn't work because some women have their own issues. They were racking a guy over the coals that had done nothing to them. They just ended the relationship.

In an industry like adult, there are people that are here for themselves. Let’s face it we are a taboo industry and attract the dark light. I think in some cases it’s the last place a lot of people can go.  They have burned every bridge everywhere else in their lives. As Amber Lynn said, “We are all just a box of broken toys”

The adult industry does not do a background check on you before you can be hired to work in it.  There are people with a shady past that come in this business.

Some of them succeed, maybe because they have finally found the place they belong. 

I myself struggled with jobs and life in general before getting into this industry. When I started working in adult entertainment I realized this is what I was meant to do.  I don’t have a shady past. The worst thing I ever did in my eyes was steal marijuana from my ex-boyfriend’s house for my new boyfriend.  Before I got in to porn.  

How do we deal with this? Bad personal relationships happen; somebody is bound to get hurt when another person doesn't want them around anymore. So, unless this person stole money from you, beat you badly or stole your identity, crack it up to love gone bad.

What about the business end of it? I run my own business, the business of me. I deal with a lot of different people coming to me with deals and I also go to other people.   I want to believe when it comes to business everyone will be upfront and honest. As we all know that is not the case.

To drag my ego into this for a minute, it amazes me that people in this industry would try to rip me off. I have 20 years in this business and know just about everyone that is anyone in this business. You can say I am part of the foundation of this industry, along with many other people that worked hard for many years to build this industry.

 If I was a newbie coming in I would be smart enough not to screw over a veteran.  If anything I would grab on to them and never let go. I know a few people that are very successful in this industry because they did just that. Now they are one of the people the newbies grab onto.  See how that works!

I think you are getting my point. When is it OK to out someone that did you wrong? Someone that affected your money, your life. Taking the high road can’t always be the way. You keep carrying that injustice that was done to you, it has to affect you on some level. 

Isn't it just better to put it out there in the public and let the other person stand up for themselves?  Hey, if someone was saying stuff about me I would much rather have the opportunity to stand up for myself, then have people not sure of what to think of me.

You can’t come out and bash the person, but you can tell your side of the story, and hope that person comes out and tells theirs.  They may just change their ways, knowing that if they continue to do this people are going to say something.

So, when you tell your side of the story what does that make you? Will people say good for you, standing up for yourself or that you are bitter and who cares.  I guess it’s the way you do it that will determine how people feel about you?  I guess there’s only one way to find out, just do it?

Tera Patrick on XXX Porn Star Radio

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AHF Press Conference: My chat with Hayden Winters

Former Adult Film Industry Performer Hayden Winters

On September 17, 2012, I attended AIDS Healthcare Foundation’s “Yes on Measure B” press conference. After the conference, I approached one of the speakers, Hayden Winters, and asked if I could speak with her for a few minutes.

My first question for this former adult performer who is now supporting and representing AHF was, why did you want to get into the adult industry?  She told me it was because she needed a job.  Then I asked her why she just didn’t get a job at McDonalds or somewhere else.? She said she heard you could make a lot of money doing porn.

Hayden Winters was eighteen years old when she went to OC Modeling in June 2010 to talk to an agent about being a porn star. She said the agent and her friends persuaded her to do it. The agent told her how beautiful she was and what a great body she had. She had a good look for it.  The agent said she had the potential to be a big star.

She blamed the agent for getting her in it. “He lied to me and told me I would make tons of money and go to red carpet events.” At that point I asked her if she had ever gone to see an agent in the mainstream industry, she said no. What I explained to her was that agent would say the same thing as well. They make money when you get bookings. I also said that even the guy she goes on a date with will tell her how beautiful she is, just to get in her pants.

It is you that makes the final decision. You are the only one that decides whether you will start doing porn. Allowing the agent and her friends to persuade her was her choice. “Don’t blame anyone else, it was your choice.” She agreed with me. She told me she did not make the kind of money she was told she could, and that she did not become a star, in the one year she was in it.

I asked her how it could be so easy for her to say ok, to getting naked and having sex on camera. She didn’t really think about that part she was thinking about the money and fame!

She didn’t think about the fact that she would be splashed all over the internet for the rest of her life, whether she was still in porn or not. All she was thinking about is how much money she could make for doing very minimal work. Dressing up in sexy clothing and having her picture taken at the awards shows and other events.

Hayden Winters may have sat around one night with her friends as they tried to figure out how to make a lot of money fast with minimal effort. Where porn came up in the conversation I don’t know. I couldn’t understand how it was so easy for her to make that decision. She was eighteen years old needed to make money and never thought past that night. She and her friends had created delusions in their heads, I bet they could not even see pass the money, to realize they were going to be having sex on film for the world to see. She wanted to go from a to z, without realizing there where letters in between. She was making a life changing decision and didn’t even realize it.

Hayden agreed and became accountable for her action during our conversation. The last thing she said to me before she was pulled away was. “I would probably start doing porn again. Everyone was nice to me.”

All this happen just 5 minutes after she got up and spoke, telling everyone that the porn industry was not safe. She stated the pay check wasn’t worth the risk.

Hayden Winters did not contract HIV or any other STD, so why would she be standing up for “Yes on Measure B”? Derrick Burts is a friend of hers. He was one of the friends with whom she went to that agency in 2010. She said she was persuaded to get in the industry for the money; maybe she was persuaded into this for money.

I talked to Hayden one more time before she left the conference. I also took a picture with her. She was very nice and respectful to me. I got the impression if I asked her to shoot for me she would. Like she was waiting for the next best thing.

The adult film industry did not persuade this girl to shoot porn. The adult film industry did not exploit her. Hayden walked in that agent’s office on her own free will. When things did not work out the way she wanted it to be, she got upset.

Young women like this give the industry a bad rap. They say that porn ruined their life. They didn’t get what they wanted, so they blame the industry. They should only blame themselves. Just because it’s porn you still have to work at it; it’s a business like any other.

Michael Weinstein stood up and told the press that porn exploits people. I think he is exploiting Hayden Winters. I believe this whole situation is not about protecting adult film performers, it’s about money.  When laws and ballot initiatives are about money, it is always the taxpayers that pay in the end.

I looked for Hayden Winters on twitter -- she was there, even has a wish list. 

"Yes on B" Condoms in Porn Press Conference.

I attended the press conference to launch the campaign “ Yes on B” Condoms in Porn.  What a huge waste of money. If that many people vote yes in November the industry will be just fine. It was held at the Sheraton Universal Hotel. As the documentation reads.  “The Starview Room offers floor –to-ceiling views of the San Fernando Valley, home to Californian’s adult entertainment industry; the room also provides a bird’s eye of Vivid Entertainment on of the largest porn producers and an outspoken opponent of condoms in films.”

This was my first time attending anything like this during my twenty years in the adult industry. I am ashamed to admit that. All the information about the ordinance I had up until today I got from Twitter and people within the industry. Well, today I learned a lot more, and not just about condoms in porn.

Let me start with the ordinance. “County of Los Angeles Safer Sex in the Adult Film Industry.” Michael Weinstein is doing this to protect the performers in the adult industry. After the conference I personally asked him why he was doing this and he said, “Because it needs to be done” He also said that the adult film industry is sending the wrong message to the world. He told me the message was “You can’t have hot sex with a condom.” I told Weinstein that I have been in the industry for 20 years and I never heard that message. I asked him if he could direct me to where he saw that message, he could not.

From the questions I asked Weinstein this is the information I got. He has no knowledge of the porn industry, however is concerned about the safety of the performers. They deserve to be protected just like any other industry. During the press conference we were informed my Weinstein that there would be nine billboards going up and commercial spots. What that means, everyone is going to have to start explaining the porn industry and condoms to their young children. We know they are a curious little bunch. I guess that will be the big topic on the school playground. Poor SpongeBob Square Pants, beaten out by the adult film industry and condoms. Weinstein has concern for the performers in the adult film industry, but not six year children. At less that is the way I see it.  

Getting back to my conversation with him. I drew his attention to how much money was being spent on this campaign, when the money could be used for research, education and treatment of the disease. In the press conference he seemed to have blamed the adult industry for one of the reason so much money is spent on care and treatment. The adult film industry infests them and then AHF has to use their money to help the performer after he is cast out of the industry with nowhere to go. It’s ok to be a crack whore on the street doing illegal drugs and soliciting for sex to get treatment?  Quite frankly, how does anyone even know if these infected former performers got the disease on the set? On the documentation that was given to everyone at the press conference, this is how the performers are described. “Former adult performer who became HIV-infected while working in the industry.” They were working in the adult industry yes, but is it proven they got it on a set?

Are these former performers being paid for their involvement in this campaign? There has to be some compensation. Two  of the performers I spoke with told me that one of the motivators for getting in the industry was money.  When I asked one of the former performers if he used condoms in his personal life he said, “No, not all the time. In fact during my conversation with him, he made it clear he wanted to be able to make a lot of money, in a very short time. So, he had the freedom to do what he wanted whenever he wanted. If you can have sex for money on film, bet it would be pretty easy to do the same thing without the camera, too.  At twenty two years old, he felt he was entitled to that? Oh, yes the entitlement generation.  That topic is for another time.

So, after not getting any clear answers from Weinstein he shook my hand and agreed to disagree, I strongly agreed.  Now this is what is bothering me about this whole condom thing. It’s all about protecting the performers in the industry. On the ordinance it says, “The purpose of the measure is intended to minimize the spread of sexually transmitted infections by regulating the adult film industry.” It does not say within the industry or anything about performers.

I’m thinking this has nothing to do with the adult industry, and a lot to do with getting funding from condom companies. I wonder if he knows about the Pink Cross organization.  Oh, one last thing is it me or does Michael Weinstein bare a resemblance to Anita Bryant.

Welcome To Your Darkside

Twenty years in the sex biz, millions of eyes watching me fuck; I am getting them off or turning them on. I knew nothing about men, but what my mother told me. “Marry for money, not for love.” I didn’t marry for money; I made my own making love to the camera. I never dated during my hot and heavy days in the industry, to busy being Rebecca Bardoux.

The guys that ask me out now come from a charmed life, nice upbringing, they are confident. They get what they want. They know who I am. They’re hot, that is one thing that may surprise you. They treat me very well, for what it is.
They all have one thing in common; they all hide me. I am the naughty part of their life, the dark side. A life they created for the uncontrollable sexual side that is a part of them. They love spending time in that world, but that isn’t their life. So, they come in and leave when it gets to be too much. It’s hard living a double life; if you don’t pay attention you can lose your mind.

I have to hand it to these men, they are focused; they can separate the real world from their fantasy life. Their real life always wins, no matter how attached they have become. I am not allowed in their real world and they make that very clear, without saying a word. And oh my god when they are in my world the way they talk, the way they touch and the things they promises. If you believe it, you lose.

 I walk away still believing (after all these years) every word they say, because someday it’s going to be true?

Puppy Love

Ok here's the puppy poop. The apartment manager said someone told her I had a dog. From the beginning I knew I wasn't allowed to have a dog. Instead of talking to the manager before hand, I accepted Zoe. Then I was advised to not tell the manager. I stressed about the barking, people seeing her, I stressed. I hate breaking rules. Not good energy to give my puppy love.

As time went on I saw she was smart, picked stuff up fast. For two months no one complained. Then last weekend, Zoe and I reached a milestone, she was house broken. Plus she was getting it, we were a little family.

Then on Monday I got the call, I knew what it was about, because I am a great tenant, as my apartment manager said. Get rid of the dog, I didn’t pick it up, she left a message. She was not mean and thanked me for being a great tenant but she cannot have this dog in the building.

Zoe is a gift and if I could snap my fingers and everything was moved into a new place, with address changed, wifi changed, I think you get the idea. Right now I can’t move.

So, I have to send her to her Aunties house. Auntie rescued her from the ghetto and then I took her. Auntie has a beautiful ranch with six other dogs and horses, Zoe has been there. It’s a 40 minute drive from my house.
I am enjoying my last few days waking up with Zoe. I have given so much to people in my life, and I never got this kind of love back. So, Zoe will go to Auntie’s house and I will look for a new place to live. She is so worth it.

Life, the more you live it.......

I was very shy when I was young, in high school I was made fun of by the other girls. Guys did not ask me out, well one did. It was so hard for me to go to school every day and have the girls call me names. I was bullied because I was shy and my mother taught me good posture. When graduation came I was the happiest girl in the galaxy. The one thing I told myself was that in twenty years I was going to come back for the reunion and be beautiful, successful, confident and give them a piece of my mind. I was 17 years old when I graduated high school and told myself that, honestly.
Twenty-five years later, like it or not I am a legend in the adult industry. It is a billion dollar industry and I made it; porn royalty if you will. I am successful, beautiful and confident.
What to wear, what the hell? What I decided to wear to my twenty-five year reunion was like nothing I have in my closet. In fact I waited until I got to my hometown to buy my outfit. So, once it got approved by my sister, I was off. I felt great, happy, and proud of myself. This sure was not the same girl that people saw back in high school, although for some reason I think most of them have seen me in the past years.
Quick recap of the highlights of the night. Most people were nice to me, and then others were just rude. The one guy I did date in high school came up to me like a school boy, asking me if I remembered him; told me if I ever needed a place to stay he has homes all over the world. Come on, like I haven’t heard that before.
Then the big guy on campus came up to me. He asked me what took me out to California. This is the moment; I waited twenty-five years for. I can coward and make up a lie, they all knew anyway. Or be the woman I am today and let those fuckers know who the fuck I am.
Of course I let them know, you guys would have killed me if I didn’t. The one question that stuck out was if drugs lead me into the industry. “No, I am an exhibitionist, but I lived a life you can’t even imagine.” On that night in my home town, I became the new homecoming queen of my high school class.