FULL MOON AWAKENING

Thank god! The full moon is passed and so is my PMS. Both of these can be hell on their own for me but when put together, it’s a double disaster. (I wrote a bit for my comedy act about it.)

I knew they were both coming, I chart that shit now, I learned the hard way. I can’t hide myself from the world like a monk during this time. So, I try to stay healthy and focused. Of course anything that happens isn't that big of a deal anyway, I mean during any other time of my life.

Long story short, of course I was in situations that were hard to deal with the last 5 days or so. I never doubted myself, and I am going to continue to do my life my way.

With all those feeling running inside me, this morning after a double disaster weekend, the thought that maybe I would consider dating women came to me.  Anyone that knows me will tell you I love men. Not interested in women sexually.

Maybe that’s just a cover up. I have never experimented with women in my personal life. Maybe I have been trying to force myself to want men so much to hide it. I am sure there are a lot of people out there that can shed some light on this subject for me.

Dating women would not be just a sex thing for me. In fact that would be that last thing I would want. I want to see what’s there on an emotional level. Quite frankly sex is sex. I get excited from being with someone when there is an emotional bond.

I think at this point in my life I better check and see if I am batting for the right team. I always just assumed I was.  Or told from childhood it was wrong. Yes, that would be more like it.

Keep peeling back the onion, that beautiful light on the inside is getting brighter.

Monday Morning Phone Calls

Do I believe there is sex trafficking in the LA Adult Entertainment Industry? Two hours ago when I was making my morning coffee I would have said no. (To be honest I didn't know the true definition of sex trafficking, till today.) A phone call later, it’s clear.

It is not the entire industry that falls under this definition of sex trafficking. Unfortunately, a larger percentage does and the number is growing every day. Quite frankly there is nothing that can be done till it’s stopped. Sadly, there are are so many willing victims. 

You think I want to have to face this? I love this industry. I stood up for this biz when society was throwing tomatoes at us with one hand and jerking off with the other. I’m not going to sit back and pretend it’s not here. That would just be an irresponsible thing to do. This sucks; I spent a good portion of my career trying to show people that the adult industry was not a “bad” place. 

 How do I come to terms with this? Not talking down about the industry, but knowing it may not be a good place for some. This is what it’s like to watch a love one stand trial for a murder you know they committed? 

 I’m not walking away, just moving down the block. Getting some distance so I can take a look at this clearly. I stomp my feet, yell, scream and cry. Pray that it will be like it used to. How did it get this way?

 Go back in my house, sit down and think to myself, there has got to be a great joke in this somewhere.

FAREWELL, FOR NOW!

In the past year I have been blessed with a lot of new opportunities. I have taken a few of them. Now I am working hard on my comedy. I will be setting up a tour. I am also going to be working on a mainstream movie.

So, I had to make some decisions. It is with saddest, I am dropping my radio show for the time being. I want to thank XXX Pornstar Radio for giving me such a great opportunity to fulfill my dream of having my own show. It brought my career and life to a new level.

In fact if it wasn't for my radio show, I would never have been approached by a  comedy management team. So, the journey  seems to be moving along nicely.

Doing my own show, revealed a different part of me. Considering I was the shyest girl in high school. I enjoyed interviewing all the different people that were somehow connected to the adult industry.

Thank you to everyone that supported my show.  It was a learning experience for me. I met a lot of great people because of it.

So, again thank you. I am going to miss it. Look for some exciting exclusive interviews I do on the mainstream movie set.  XXX Pornstar Radio will have it!

JUST THE FACTS

I was always under the impression that when a press release or news piece gets submitted, the facts are checked before anyone prints it.

Well, I guess that is not the case, at least in the adult industry. I was talking to a social media representative; he told me they don’t check facts. So, basically I could write a press release that I was marrying the Prince of Dubai and it would get printed, without checking anything.

First off, why would someone write a press release or news piece full of lies? I mean sooner or later people are going to get that its bullshit? Like my press release about marrying the Prince. If I never got married, I would look like a liar and a publicity whore. When I say something I do it. I guess there will always be people out there that will say anything to get attention. They jerk off seeing their name and face in print.

Is it irresponsible of the media outlets to not fact check? Was there ever fact checking in the adult industry? I wonder if TMZ fact checks, or follows up on any stories. Does the mainstream media fact check before they release a press release? 

With the age of social media, there is just so much stuff coming in to them. Do they need content more then they need integrity? With all the internet news sites, it must be about content.

It is so easy these days to create a fake life. Twitter and Facebook are great outlets for that. Why does someone need or want to create a fake life? I don’t understand it! Well, I do understand it, but I just can’t wrap my mind around it. If I wasn't a public figure (for lack of a better word), I wouldn't even have a Twitter or Facebook account.

Social media is a great way to promote projects, besides its internet fan mail. Does anyone write letters anymore?  It’s all about instant gratification these days, and snail mail is not instant. Way to slow to get the fix that is needed NOW.  I guess it could be like an addiction, especially if you are unhappy with your life, and want to be someone else.

Sure, when I was young and just starting my career in adult, I loved seeing myself in magazines (remember those). It was a thrill for a young shy girl from PA to see herself in print. These days the less I see myself in print the better. The next time I want to see myself in print is on the cover of my Comedy Central Show DVD.

                                                                                                

                                                                                                                                        JUST THE FACTS 4/27/2013                        

A few things on my mind.

Freedom of speech! Well maybe before Twitter or Facebook started. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. No one should be told their opinion is wrong. In fact, a few times the opinion that someone presented changed my opinion.

Why is it becoming so hard to voice your opinion without judgment?  I love a good debate or discussion on an adult level. I learn so much more about the subject, no matter what my opinion is. In case I’m fueled with the wrong information, I listen to the other person and respond in a calm respectful manner.  If I am wrong I admit it.

I believe with clear, honest communication, just about anything can get resolved. It’s all about being clear, calm and above all honest.  It’s frustrating when those key factors of a discussion or debate are not in place, at least for me.  

HONESTY is the most important factor for me! Nothing can be resolved without honesty. Really, you’re going to lie to me. I have been fucked every which way for your viewing pleasure. You jerked off to me many times. Now you’re going to fucking lie to me. Who the fuck lies to their fantasy. That’s the way I look at it, right or wrong.  Your situation may be different, but it all comes down to being honest. 

I have been around enough to know when someone is lying to me. However, in weak moments I have forced myself to believe it’s true. Haven’t we all done that at some point in our lives? You want to believe your teenager was not drinking and driving. So, you ignore the 12 empty beers cans in the backseat. Not a good choice for you or the safety of your teenager.

Getting off the subject a little,or maybe a lot. I hope you understand what I mean. Don’t attack or be defensive when you have a discussion.  They say there is an art to negotiation, but maybe it’s a lost art. 

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

 I can’t say it’s an anniversary that makes me real all fuzzy inside. It was a dark day, it was a do or die day. Without getting into the details, it is something I will always remember.

What sparks in your mind and your body that knows the day is coming?  All the memories come back. Hell they drag you back! I am also riding high on hormone changes. The big one! For a first anniversary, on a day that changed me, it’s a great combo.  Change is putting it lightly. 

I will never wish it didn't happen. In a strange way what came into my life was a blessing. I got my final examine on a life’s lesson and I passed! Life has been sweet since then. Looking back on a year ago, that was a motherfucking journey.

Now, I stand up for myself in a strong responsible way. (I am not perfect) I am confident and I know what I can and can’t do. I know when I am right and I know when I am wrong. I will admit it. I know how to communicate in a calm considerate way. I’m a kind person and respectful to other. I know who I am. The glitter is just glitter! It gets swept  away!

Last year. Not so much. Well, I may have looked that way, but I was just going through motions. I was needy, and sad for no reason. I was feeling empty. Well, you will be happy to know the space is full. I filled it with me. So, all is cooler than ever.    

I’m not really into disliking people. It’s easier for us all to coexist and have boundaries with others and respect them.  Yes, of course that doesn't always happen, but it’s a great foundation to work from. So, I guess that is my anniversary wish. That  we coexist.

 Happy Anniversary 3/20/13

FOLLOW ME FOLLOW YOU

FOLLOW ME FOLLOW YOU

If I have to see or hear one more thing about how many followers people have or have not on Twitter I am going to explode.

It is great to have people that admire you. You don’t have to be Beyoncé to be admired. I admire the little girl that lives next door to me. She is smart, sweet and very creative. In my opinion if getting followers on twitter is based on that she should have millions.

I love Twitter and Facebook I get to talk to fans and friends. We all get to express ourselves without judgment. At least I try to have it like that on my accounts. I enjoy the interaction with the followers more than the numbers. Quality not quantity. 

A few months back I got over 100k followers in a matter of weeks. I have no idea why. I did not buy them. If I am going to spend my money it’s going to be on a pedicure or buying a Slurpee for the little girl next door.

Now I notice my followers are dropping down? I don’t get all this computer hacking or whatever it is, or isn't  I don’t care. When you are in your darkest hour, famous or not, who is there for you? If you have a million followers on Twitter and you are alone you got nothing. If you have no followers on twitter and you have a loving, caring person to hold, you got everything. 

I have been in my darkest hour and I was alone. I changed my life and now I know I will always have someone if I ever have a dark hour again. You want to see what’s important in life? Hit bottom and then rise back up to the top. The only thing I lost was my ego. I found out I never needed that to begin with.

If you’re in need of a huge amount of followers to validate you. When it happens, I hope you make it through your darkest hour.