HEART ATTACK

Back in 2009 I read the book The Alchemist.  It gave me a message I had forgotten about. That I have a heart.

All this time I thought it to be an organ in my body to pump blood. Well, after reading the Alchemist I saw that I was not using my heart the right way. It lay dormant while my mind did all the work. 

Everything I did was based on logic, if I felt any strange feelings from my decisions (my emotions) I would brush them off as being weak. Find something else to keep me busy and then bury those emotions so deep I would never hear from them again.

Truth be told, as an emotionally neglected child emotions were something I was told not to feel. My mother told me it was all in my mind.  Yes, mother that would be correct, it was all in my mind. There was no crying in my childhood house, no reason to ever use your heart.  Every relationship I started with a boy, (which were few) my mother somehow knew from the beginning it was doomed. Telling me not to get attached because it won’t last long, he’ll find someone better then me. Looking at that from a young girl’s view the only thing I thought of is I have nothing to offer. I’m not a good student, I have a space between my teeth and a big nose.

I took the advice of the book and starting using my heart again. At first it was hard my mind would not shut up when my heart was talking. Over time with practice I was starting to understand the important balance between the two. Now, if I would have stayed in the Midwest instead of returning to LA my heart may have had a chance at a happy life. Although you know what they say moving only changes your location.

Well, to make a long story short; this is a blog. I woke up today and faced the cold hard facts that for the past few years my heart has been broken. I mean it’s pumping the blood and all, but the desire to be loved is all but gone. The obsessive thoughts of my mother’s words come back to me every day. That alone is enough to drive you crazy. I’m not good enough, no one will want me. That coupled with my paranoia that no one wants me because I was in “porn”.

The point is I can’t seem to get my heart back and I can’t bury things like I used to, therapy will do that to you. I was so full of love and motivation, it doesn’t seem to be there anymore. You know that excitement and desire for life and love. Sure, I’m still making it through each day but the thrill and my heart is fading fast.

People ask me what I want for Christmas I want my heart back. I have so much love in my life but why is it one person, (Some would call this person a catalyst.)  could come along with no consideration for hearts and change all that. I’m a strong person, but this has knocked me down harder than anything in my life. I really don’t understand why. Well, yes I do, no one has ever made me feel more worthless and unlovable. Not good enough for anything. Only my mom comes in a close second.

I sure don’t want to give up on love, but I’m having a tough time with this. Was I in love or was it the familiar pain of being emotional neglected that I held on to? Either way if I could have one wish, I wish for my heart back. If nothing else maybe being honest and opening up about this will help it heal.

Entertainment is Entertainment is Entertainment

Entertainment is Entertainment is Entertainment

Under the huge umbrella that is labeled Entertainment, there are many different industries. Let's see; movie, television, music, broadway, comedy. Oh yes and adult. It is part of entertainment, a few billion dollars a part of it.

 Adult companies and individuals promote and market the same way any other industry under the entertainment umbrella would.

Let's look at me for example. I have spend twenty years in the adult entertainment area. However, I had to work and function around mainstream people as well. We are interviewed on radio and television talk shows that are mostly mainstream.

It shouldn't take a genius to figure out no matter what part of the entertainment business you are involved in reassure if you have any drive and some brains you could be successful. Yes, unfortunately even without talent.

Marketing is marketing and branding is branding. If you understand it and know what you are doing it doesn't make that much different what you're marketing and promoting.

As a performer I have had to market and promote myself (back before PR in adult). I had to continue to reinvent myself to stay on top, or near it. Creating an image that would stand the test of time. Getting myself where I needed to be to be seen, networking with people.

There are other adult actors that have done incredible jobs at self promotion. The big name that comes to mind is Lisa Ann. Steven St. Croix wrote and published his own e-book, which eventually went to softcover. There are a lot more of us!

Most of the people I network with are mainstream. They love talking to adult people and I get a foot in the door where a mainstream actor wouldn't, because I'm from adult. Now the key is what I do when I get that foot in.

Networking is key, if you are not a likable person or have no social skills I would suggest you work in customer service. You should have some business skills. Like knowing how to format a letter and make invoices for billing. You are running a business, YOU!

My marketing and promoting experience go much further then adult entertainment. I was a counter manager for a major cosmetic company for many years before I stepped in front of the camera at age 28. Talk about pressure, I was planning events, promoting them and getting people in the chairs. My counter was the number one counter in the region. Say what you want about the cosmetic business, but again a billion dollar industry with massive competition.

We are not talking $5 tickets to see a show that would be better suited for your parents basement, but $200 jars of cream for your face. In a pool of twenty other companies with the same thing.

How can you sell your product over another? It's the same across the board. Present, educate, excite and leave a great impression. If people don't like you they won't  buy the product from you. They will buy the product from another store or sales person. Or buy it from you, but never come back again.

What I am saying is experience in promoting and marketing has no industry lines. So, whether you have twenty years experience in marketing jellybeans or skin-flixs, if you have been successful at it, chances are you will continue to be successful. Sure it may take a few months to a year to figure out the fine details of each industry, but if you keep your mouth shut and your ears open you will get it.

Oh, one more big thing, Don't burn bridges, if you want to be in entertainment for a long time. You're going to see these people again. You're going to need them for something in the future.

Speaking from personal experience nothing feels better then sitting in the casting chair and have a person come in and audition for a job or a part. You look them in the eyes and remember how they screwed you for no reason a few years back. No matter how much talent they have they're going home a loser. Fair or not, that is reality.

And that thing called your ego that is probably bigger then your bank account, deflate it. Cuz,  everyone has one and no one wants to see yours.

 

　

　

　

THIS IS ME!

THIS IS ME!

http://kenboxerlive.com/2013/11/01/rebecca-bardoux-adult-motion-picture-actress-guest-11072013/

FULL MOON AWAKENING

Thank god! The full moon is passed and so is my PMS. Both of these can be hell on their own for me but when put together, it’s a double disaster. (I wrote a bit for my comedy act about it.)

I knew they were both coming, I chart that shit now, I learned the hard way. I can’t hide myself from the world like a monk during this time. So, I try to stay healthy and focused. Of course anything that happens isn't that big of a deal anyway, I mean during any other time of my life.

Long story short, of course I was in situations that were hard to deal with the last 5 days or so. I never doubted myself, and I am going to continue to do my life my way.

With all those feeling running inside me, this morning after a double disaster weekend, the thought that maybe I would consider dating women came to me.  Anyone that knows me will tell you I love men. Not interested in women sexually.

Maybe that’s just a cover up. I have never experimented with women in my personal life. Maybe I have been trying to force myself to want men so much to hide it. I am sure there are a lot of people out there that can shed some light on this subject for me.

Dating women would not be just a sex thing for me. In fact that would be that last thing I would want. I want to see what’s there on an emotional level. Quite frankly sex is sex. I get excited from being with someone when there is an emotional bond.

I think at this point in my life I better check and see if I am batting for the right team. I always just assumed I was.  Or told from childhood it was wrong. Yes, that would be more like it.

Keep peeling back the onion, that beautiful light on the inside is getting brighter.

Monday Morning Phone Calls

Do I believe there is sex trafficking in the LA Adult Entertainment Industry? Two hours ago when I was making my morning coffee I would have said no. (To be honest I didn't know the true definition of sex trafficking, till today.) A phone call later, it’s clear.

It is not the entire industry that falls under this definition of sex trafficking. Unfortunately, a larger percentage does and the number is growing every day. Quite frankly there is nothing that can be done till it’s stopped. Sadly, there are are so many willing victims. 

You think I want to have to face this? I love this industry. I stood up for this biz when society was throwing tomatoes at us with one hand and jerking off with the other. I’m not going to sit back and pretend it’s not here. That would just be an irresponsible thing to do. This sucks; I spent a good portion of my career trying to show people that the adult industry was not a “bad” place. 

 How do I come to terms with this? Not talking down about the industry, but knowing it may not be a good place for some. This is what it’s like to watch a love one stand trial for a murder you know they committed? 

 I’m not walking away, just moving down the block. Getting some distance so I can take a look at this clearly. I stomp my feet, yell, scream and cry. Pray that it will be like it used to. How did it get this way?

 Go back in my house, sit down and think to myself, there has got to be a great joke in this somewhere.

FAREWELL, FOR NOW!

In the past year I have been blessed with a lot of new opportunities. I have taken a few of them. Now I am working hard on my comedy. I will be setting up a tour. I am also going to be working on a mainstream movie.

So, I had to make some decisions. It is with saddest, I am dropping my radio show for the time being. I want to thank XXX Pornstar Radio for giving me such a great opportunity to fulfill my dream of having my own show. It brought my career and life to a new level.

In fact if it wasn't for my radio show, I would never have been approached by a  comedy management team. So, the journey  seems to be moving along nicely.

Doing my own show, revealed a different part of me. Considering I was the shyest girl in high school. I enjoyed interviewing all the different people that were somehow connected to the adult industry.

Thank you to everyone that supported my show.  It was a learning experience for me. I met a lot of great people because of it.

So, again thank you. I am going to miss it. Look for some exciting exclusive interviews I do on the mainstream movie set.  XXX Pornstar Radio will have it!

JUST THE FACTS

I was always under the impression that when a press release or news piece gets submitted, the facts are checked before anyone prints it.

Well, I guess that is not the case, at least in the adult industry. I was talking to a social media representative; he told me they don’t check facts. So, basically I could write a press release that I was marrying the Prince of Dubai and it would get printed, without checking anything.

First off, why would someone write a press release or news piece full of lies? I mean sooner or later people are going to get that its bullshit? Like my press release about marrying the Prince. If I never got married, I would look like a liar and a publicity whore. When I say something I do it. I guess there will always be people out there that will say anything to get attention. They jerk off seeing their name and face in print.

Is it irresponsible of the media outlets to not fact check? Was there ever fact checking in the adult industry? I wonder if TMZ fact checks, or follows up on any stories. Does the mainstream media fact check before they release a press release? 

With the age of social media, there is just so much stuff coming in to them. Do they need content more then they need integrity? With all the internet news sites, it must be about content.

It is so easy these days to create a fake life. Twitter and Facebook are great outlets for that. Why does someone need or want to create a fake life? I don’t understand it! Well, I do understand it, but I just can’t wrap my mind around it. If I wasn't a public figure (for lack of a better word), I wouldn't even have a Twitter or Facebook account.

Social media is a great way to promote projects, besides its internet fan mail. Does anyone write letters anymore?  It’s all about instant gratification these days, and snail mail is not instant. Way to slow to get the fix that is needed NOW.  I guess it could be like an addiction, especially if you are unhappy with your life, and want to be someone else.

Sure, when I was young and just starting my career in adult, I loved seeing myself in magazines (remember those). It was a thrill for a young shy girl from PA to see herself in print. These days the less I see myself in print the better. The next time I want to see myself in print is on the cover of my Comedy Central Show DVD.

                                                                                                

                                                                                                                                        JUST THE FACTS 4/27/2013