Sunday, August 14, 2016


Back in May my car was stolen. I didn't want to share this information with too many people. I have no idea why. I held it in and felt like a prisoner in my own body. So, today I just wanted it out.
I don't have a top of the line car. Just an older Honda that is in great shape and very reliable. 
I got my car back a week later without a scratch on it. They took silly stuff like my yoga mat and Kleenex holder. I swear they put new speakers in it. Because I have a great stereo, which they didn't take and it sounds much better.

They left their cell phone in the car. On the phone were pictures of me. Not pictures you can just grab off the Internet, but rare pictures. I have no idea where they got them. I turned the phone over to the police. 
The sad part was I had my keys and gate access code to my storage unit in the car. I live in a small guest house and the storage unit was like my second closet. I don't like a lot of clutter so this worked out great for me. If I needed a special outfit for an event I would just go to my storage and get it.

The thief went to the storage unit, even through there were security camera all over the property. The things they took were strange. Leaving a $200 coat behind but ripping through every box to find my XRCO HOF Award, along with my other HOF award. All my personal family photos, and my personalize jewel box filled with jewelry.

All material things that in reality meant little to me. Sure, I would like the photos of my deceased parents. It was truly stuff that wasn't needed. Plus, I had insurance on the unit.

I don't get why someone needs all my personal papers yet leaves an expensive piece of art behind.

It took me a week to go to the unit and open the door to see what they took. I just didn't want to deal with it.

I know this has happen to many other people. It was the first time anything like this had ever happen to me.

So now I have very few things left in my life. Which is fine because I'm not a hoarder and it's saving me money not having to pay the rent of the unit. They kind of did me a favor. They can take everything but I'll always have the memories and photos. Stealing my HOF doesn't mean I didn't win it. Who would even want it?

People can take everything from you but they will never take away memories and the experiences. We all know what we as individuals have accomplished. Of the few things that were left, I donated them to Goodwill.

I'll tell you that whole experience changed me and for the better. It made me a little harder, which I needed. It also showed me what's important in life.

Sure, I could go on the thief's FB account and harass him, (since it was on his phone). From the looks of the text messages he already has enough of his own pain dealing with drugs.

So, I'm good, much better then the thief is. I got good people around me that helped me get thought it. Then there was of course the lesson I learned about the people in my life that are fake and I got rid of them real fast.

It's not so much the material things I lost, but the lessons I learned. And those are priceless.

Friday, November 13, 2015


Back in 2009 I read the book The Alchemist.  It gave me a message I had forgotten about. That I have a heart.

All this time I thought it to be an organ in my body to pump blood. Well, after reading the Alchemist I saw that I was not using my heart the right way. It lay dormant while my mind did all the work. 

Everything I did was based on logic, if I felt any strange feelings from my decisions (my emotions) I would brush them off as being weak. Find something else to keep me busy and then bury those emotions so deep I would never hear from them again.

Truth be told, as an emotionally neglected child emotions were something I was told not to feel. My mother told me it was all in my mind.  Yes, mother that would be correct, it was all in my mind. There was no crying in my childhood house, no reason to ever use your heart.  Every relationship I started with a boy, (which were few) my mother somehow knew from the beginning it was doomed. Telling me not to get attached because it won’t last long, he’ll find someone better then me. Looking at that from a young girl’s view the only thing I thought of is I have nothing to offer. I’m not a good student, I have a space between my teeth and a big nose.

I took the advice of the book and starting using my heart again. At first it was hard my mind would not shut up when my heart was talking. Over time with practice I was starting to understand the important balance between the two. Now, if I would have stayed in the Midwest instead of returning to LA my heart may have had a chance at a happy life. Although you know what they say moving only changes your location.

Well, to make a long story short; this is a blog. I woke up today and faced the cold hard facts that for the past few years my heart has been broken. I mean it’s pumping the blood and all, but the desire to be loved is all but gone. The obsessive thoughts of my mother’s words come back to me every day. That alone is enough to drive you crazy. I’m not good enough, no one will want me. That coupled with my paranoia that no one wants me because I was in “porn”.

The point is I can’t seem to get my heart back and I can’t bury things like I used to, therapy will do that to you. I was so full of love and motivation, it doesn’t seem to be there anymore. You know that excitement and desire for life and love. Sure, I’m still making it through each day but the thrill and my heart is fading fast.

People ask me what I want for Christmas I want my heart back. I have so much love in my life but why is it one person, (Some would call this person a catalyst.)  could come along with no consideration for hearts and change all that. I’m a strong person, but this has knocked me down harder than anything in my life. I really don’t understand why. Well, yes I do, no one has ever made me feel more worthless and unlovable. Not good enough for anything. Only my mom comes in a close second.

I sure don’t want to give up on love, but I’m having a tough time with this. Was I in love or was it the familiar pain of being emotional neglected that I held on to? Either way if I could have one wish, I wish for my heart back. If nothing else maybe being honest and opening up about this will help it heal.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Entertainment is Entertainment is Entertainment

Entertainment is Entertainment is Entertainment

Under the huge umbrella that is labeled Entertainment, there are many different industries. Let's see; movie, television, music, broadway, comedy. Oh yes and adult. It is part of entertainment, a few billion dollars a part of it.

 Adult companies and individuals promote and market the same way any other industry under the entertainment umbrella would.

Let's look at me for example. I have spend twenty years in the adult entertainment area. However, I had to work and function around mainstream people as well. We are interviewed on radio and television talk shows that are mostly mainstream.

It shouldn't take a genius to figure out no matter what part of the entertainment business you are involved in reassure if you have any drive and some brains you could be successful. Yes, unfortunately even without talent.

Marketing is marketing and branding is branding. If you understand it and know what you are doing it doesn't make that much different what you're marketing and promoting.

As a performer I have had to market and promote myself (back before PR in adult). I had to continue to reinvent myself to stay on top, or near it. Creating an image that would stand the test of time. Getting myself where I needed to be to be seen, networking with people.

There are other adult actors that have done incredible jobs at self promotion. The big name that comes to mind is Lisa Ann. Steven St. Croix wrote and published his own e-book, which eventually went to softcover. There are a lot more of us!

Most of the people I network with are mainstream. They love talking to adult people and I get a foot in the door where a mainstream actor wouldn't, because I'm from adult. Now the key is what I do when I get that foot in.

Networking is key, if you are not a likable person or have no social skills I would suggest you work in customer service. You should have some business skills. Like knowing how to format a letter and make invoices for billing. You are running a business, YOU!

My marketing and promoting experience go much further then adult entertainment. I was a counter manager for a major cosmetic company for many years before I stepped in front of the camera at age 28. Talk about pressure, I was planning events, promoting them and getting people in the chairs. My counter was the number one counter in the region. Say what you want about the cosmetic business, but again a billion dollar industry with massive competition.

We are not talking $5 tickets to see a show that would be better suited for your parents basement, but $200 jars of cream for your face. In a pool of twenty other companies with the same thing.

How can you sell your product over another? It's the same across the board. Present, educate, excite and leave a great impression. If people don't like you they won't  buy the product from you. They will buy the product from another store or sales person. Or buy it from you, but never come back again.

What I am saying is experience in promoting and marketing has no industry lines. So, whether you have twenty years experience in marketing jellybeans or skin-flixs, if you have been successful at it, chances are you will continue to be successful. Sure it may take a few months to a year to figure out the fine details of each industry, but if you keep your mouth shut and your ears open you will get it.

Oh, one more big thing, Don't burn bridges, if you want to be in entertainment for a long time. You're going to see these people again. You're going to need them for something in the future.

Speaking from personal experience nothing feels better then sitting in the casting chair and have a person come in and audition for a job or a part. You look them in the eyes and remember how they screwed you for no reason a few years back. No matter how much talent they have they're going home a loser. Fair or not, that is reality.

And that thing called your ego that is probably bigger then your bank account, deflate it. Cuz,  everyone has one and no one wants to see yours.





Monday, June 24, 2013


Thank god! The full moon is passed and so is my PMS. Both of these can be hell on their own for me but when put together, it’s a double disaster. (I wrote a bit for my comedy act about it.)

I knew they were both coming, I chart that shit now, I learned the hard way. I can’t hide myself from the world like a monk during this time. So, I try to stay healthy and focused. Of course anything that happens isn't that big of a deal anyway, I mean during any other time of my life.

Long story short, of course I was in situations that were hard to deal with the last 5 days or so. I never doubted myself, and I am going to continue to do my life my way.

With all those feeling running inside me, this morning after a double disaster weekend, the thought that maybe I would consider dating women came to me.  Anyone that knows me will tell you I love men. Not interested in women sexually.

Maybe that’s just a cover up. I have never experimented with women in my personal life. Maybe I have been trying to force myself to want men so much to hide it. I am sure there are a lot of people out there that can shed some light on this subject for me.

Dating women would not be just a sex thing for me. In fact that would be that last thing I would want. I want to see what’s there on an emotional level. Quite frankly sex is sex. I get excited from being with someone when there is an emotional bond.

I think at this point in my life I better check and see if I am batting for the right team. I always just assumed I was.  Or told from childhood it was wrong. Yes, that would be more like it.

Keep peeling back the onion, that beautiful light on the inside is getting brighter.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Monday Morning Phone Calls

Do I believe there is sex trafficking in the LA Adult Entertainment Industry? Two hours ago when I was making my morning coffee I would have said no. (To be honest I didn't know the true definition of sex trafficking, till today.) A phone call later, it’s clear.

It is not the entire industry that falls under this definition of sex trafficking. Unfortunately, a larger percentage does and the number is growing every day. Quite frankly there is nothing that can be done till it’s stopped. Sadly, there are are so many willing victims. 

You think I want to have to face this? I love this industry. I stood up for this biz when society was throwing tomatoes at us with one hand and jerking off with the other. I’m not going to sit back and pretend it’s not here. That would just be an irresponsible thing to do. This sucks; I spent a good portion of my career trying to show people that the adult industry was not a “bad” place. 

 How do I come to terms with this? Not talking down about the industry, but knowing it may not be a good place for some. This is what it’s like to watch a love one stand trial for a murder you know they committed? 

 I’m not walking away, just moving down the block. Getting some distance so I can take a look at this clearly. I stomp my feet, yell, scream and cry. Pray that it will be like it used to. How did it get this way?

 Go back in my house, sit down and think to myself, there has got to be a great joke in this somewhere.

Friday, May 3, 2013


In the past year I have been blessed with a lot of new opportunities. I have taken a few of them. Now I am working hard on my comedy. I will be setting up a tour. I am also going to be working on a mainstream movie.

So, I had to make some decisions. It is with saddest, I am dropping my radio show for the time being. I want to thank XXX Pornstar Radio for giving me such a great opportunity to fulfill my dream of having my own show. It brought my career and life to a new level.

In fact if it wasn't for my radio show, I would never have been approached by a  comedy management team. So, the journey  seems to be moving along nicely.

Doing my own show, revealed a different part of me. Considering I was the shyest girl in high school. I enjoyed interviewing all the different people that were somehow connected to the adult industry.

Thank you to everyone that supported my show.  It was a learning experience for me. I met a lot of great people because of it.

So, again thank you. I am going to miss it. Look for some exciting exclusive interviews I do on the mainstream movie set.  XXX Pornstar Radio will have it!