Thursday, October 27, 2011

Welcome To Your Darkside

Twenty years in the sex biz, millions of eyes watching me fuck; I am getting them off or turning them on. I knew nothing about men, but what my mother told me. “Marry for money, not for love.” I didn’t marry for money; I made my own making love to the camera. I never dated during my hot and heavy days in the industry, to busy being Rebecca Bardoux.
The guys that ask me out now come from a charmed life, nice upbringing, they are confident. They get what they want. They know who I am. They’re hot, that is one thing that may surprise you. They treat me very well, for what it is.
They all have one thing in common; they all hide me. I am the naughty part of their life, the dark side. A life they created for the uncontrollable sexual side that is a part of them. They love spending time in that world, but that isn’t their life. So, they come in and leave when it gets to be too much. It’s hard living a double life; if you don’t pay attention you can lose your mind.

I have to hand it to these men, they are focused; they can separate the real world from their fantasy life. Their real life always wins, no matter how attached they have become. I am not allowed in their real world and they make that very clear, without saying a word. And oh my god when they are in my world the way they talk, the way they touch and the things they promises. If you believe it, you lose.
 I walk away still believing (after all these years) every word they say, because someday it’s going to be true?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Puppy Love

Ok here's the puppy poop. The apartment manager said someone told her I had a dog. From the beginning I knew I wasn't allowed to have a dog. Instead of talking to the manager before hand, I accepted Zoe. Then I was advised to not tell the manager. I stressed about the barking, people seeing her, I stressed. I hate breaking rules. Not good energy to give my puppy love.

As time went on I saw she was smart, picked stuff up fast. For two months no one complained. Then last weekend, Zoe and I reached a milestone, she was house broken. Plus she was getting it, we were a little family.

Then on Monday I got the call, I knew what it was about, because I am a great tenant, as my apartment manager said. Get rid of the dog, I didn’t pick it up, she left a message. She was not mean and thanked me for being a great tenant but she cannot have this dog in the building.

Zoe is a gift and if I could snap my fingers and everything was moved into a new place, with address changed, wifi changed, I think you get the idea. Right now I can’t move.

So, I have to send her to her Aunties house. Auntie rescued her from the ghetto and then I took her. Auntie has a beautiful ranch with six other dogs and horses, Zoe has been there. It’s a 40 minute drive from my house.
I am enjoying my last few days waking up with Zoe. I have given so much to people in my life, and I never got this kind of love back. So, Zoe will go to Auntie’s house and I will look for a new place to live. She is so worth it.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Life, the more you live it.......

I was very shy when I was young, in high school I was made fun of by the other girls. Guys did not ask me out, well one did. It was so hard for me to go to school every day and have the girls call me names. I was bullied because I was shy and my mother taught me good posture. When graduation came I was the happiest girl in the galaxy. The one thing I told myself was that in twenty years I was going to come back for the reunion and be beautiful, successful, confident and give them a piece of my mind. I was 17 years old when I graduated high school and told myself that, honestly.
Twenty-five years later, like it or not I am a legend in the adult industry. It is a billion dollar industry and I made it; porn royalty if you will. I am successful, beautiful and confident.
What to wear, what the hell? What I decided to wear to my twenty-five year reunion was like nothing I have in my closet. In fact I waited until I got to my hometown to buy my outfit. So, once it got approved by my sister, I was off. I felt great, happy, and proud of myself. This sure was not the same girl that people saw back in high school, although for some reason I think most of them have seen me in the past years.
Quick recap of the highlights of the night. Most people were nice to me, and then others were just rude. The one guy I did date in high school came up to me like a school boy, asking me if I remembered him; told me if I ever needed a place to stay he has homes all over the world. Come on, like I haven’t heard that before.
Then the big guy on campus came up to me. He asked me what took me out to California. This is the moment; I waited twenty-five years for. I can coward and make up a lie, they all knew anyway. Or be the woman I am today and let those fuckers know who the fuck I am.
Of course I let them know, you guys would have killed me if I didn’t. The one question that stuck out was if drugs lead me into the industry. “No, I am an exhibitionist, but I lived a life you can’t even imagine.” On that night in my home town, I became the new homecoming queen of my high school class.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Life Imitating Art

I’m consider a cougar in the adult movies these days. These days I am also happy and comfortable in my own skin. I know the things I want to experience and I do. After twenty years in the adult business, traveling all over the world I have seen a lot, you don’t even know.
I treat people the way I want to be treated. I am honest and upfront. When I met my first cub, (real life) I could have walked right through him. My friend liked him, then he made out with me, the cub knew his strengths, I love making out when it’s good. So, after that how could I not, never did this before in real life.
I guess there are some things a girl can say to a guy that will make his hard dick go limp in seconds. There is one thing I found out from my first cub that paralyzed me for a few moments. Twenty year age difference, never would have thought, but then why would I; we had created and were living in a bubble life that paradise could never imagine. We were hooked, and every day when I drove to his house I promised this would be the last time. Understand there is no future here, and that is just the way it is.
I love and I give. When a man (the cub) has treated me like a queen for the past 6 weeks, cherished me and made me fly, is having problems I will be there. So, I took him in, helped him out, he was young.
There are a lot of things that a man can say to hurt a woman, I never hurt more than the night he told me the he cheated on me with a 19 year old. I had been supporting him for months and the first time he had money in his pocket and free time from me that is what he did. I knew it was going to happen one day. I had been goggling for information about these types of relationships months before, and that is what they say.
When a person that has cheated on you goes back to the city of the crime, you know it will happen again. Sometimes when there is great passion in a relationship it must end as abruptly as it started.
I thought there was a deep bond based on our conversations, that was only for me. He had lied to me from the start. He was young of course there were a lot of lies.
The one thing he told me is that the first porn he ever saw was when he was 14, found it in his father’s office when he was looking for a bb gun. It was me, he described it pretty good.
Never did get closure, since conversation is not his strong point. Not a thank you or a sorry, no sit down or phone calls. “We had a fling that’s it, we have nothing in common” .That is what he texted five months later. It was the most financially and emotional draining fling of my life. As far as me, I was not in love with him. I cared about him and thought he needed help. My sorrow comes from knowing that there are really people out there that deceive others that are there helping. It was not a clean slip either, his young vibrant sex drive had him contacting me on several occasions in the past five months; nothing came of it, except to put me through his erratic behavior. This whole experience has made me a more assertive person and woke me up to real life. For the first time I did not take the high road with this, but somehow I got there anyway.
Oh yeah it hurts sometimes, but you know what they say. Lesson learned, cubs are fun to play with all night, but I will let someone else life train them.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Bardoux is Blogging Again.

I am starting to blog again.  Have not had the desire to write for years, now I do and I am going to do it. I used to write for AVN back in the day, so I can write.

Look, I have been in the adult industry for almost 20 years. I am a porn star, I can be nothing else, I am infamous, the movies and photos will never go away. Quite frankly, I don't mind a bit. My life has slowed down a lot in these past years so I can see the affect that my career choice has had on me as well as the effects porn has had on society.

One thing you must understand when reading my blogs, there is no hate here, I am telling a story. This is my life.  I am single and I live in Los Angeles.  You can google me to get more information.

That's just to let you know what is going on.  I am going to go now and write my first blog.  See ya...