Thursday, October 27, 2011

Welcome To Your Darkside

Twenty years in the sex biz, millions of eyes watching me fuck; I am getting them off or turning them on. I knew nothing about men, but what my mother told me. “Marry for money, not for love.” I didn’t marry for money; I made my own making love to the camera. I never dated during my hot and heavy days in the industry, to busy being Rebecca Bardoux.
The guys that ask me out now come from a charmed life, nice upbringing, they are confident. They get what they want. They know who I am. They’re hot, that is one thing that may surprise you. They treat me very well, for what it is.
They all have one thing in common; they all hide me. I am the naughty part of their life, the dark side. A life they created for the uncontrollable sexual side that is a part of them. They love spending time in that world, but that isn’t their life. So, they come in and leave when it gets to be too much. It’s hard living a double life; if you don’t pay attention you can lose your mind.

I have to hand it to these men, they are focused; they can separate the real world from their fantasy life. Their real life always wins, no matter how attached they have become. I am not allowed in their real world and they make that very clear, without saying a word. And oh my god when they are in my world the way they talk, the way they touch and the things they promises. If you believe it, you lose.
 I walk away still believing (after all these years) every word they say, because someday it’s going to be true?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Puppy Love

Ok here's the puppy poop. The apartment manager said someone told her I had a dog. From the beginning I knew I wasn't allowed to have a dog. Instead of talking to the manager before hand, I accepted Zoe. Then I was advised to not tell the manager. I stressed about the barking, people seeing her, I stressed. I hate breaking rules. Not good energy to give my puppy love.

As time went on I saw she was smart, picked stuff up fast. For two months no one complained. Then last weekend, Zoe and I reached a milestone, she was house broken. Plus she was getting it, we were a little family.

Then on Monday I got the call, I knew what it was about, because I am a great tenant, as my apartment manager said. Get rid of the dog, I didn’t pick it up, she left a message. She was not mean and thanked me for being a great tenant but she cannot have this dog in the building.

Zoe is a gift and if I could snap my fingers and everything was moved into a new place, with address changed, wifi changed, I think you get the idea. Right now I can’t move.

So, I have to send her to her Aunties house. Auntie rescued her from the ghetto and then I took her. Auntie has a beautiful ranch with six other dogs and horses, Zoe has been there. It’s a 40 minute drive from my house.
I am enjoying my last few days waking up with Zoe. I have given so much to people in my life, and I never got this kind of love back. So, Zoe will go to Auntie’s house and I will look for a new place to live. She is so worth it.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Life, the more you live it.......

I was very shy when I was young, in high school I was made fun of by the other girls. Guys did not ask me out, well one did. It was so hard for me to go to school every day and have the girls call me names. I was bullied because I was shy and my mother taught me good posture. When graduation came I was the happiest girl in the galaxy. The one thing I told myself was that in twenty years I was going to come back for the reunion and be beautiful, successful, confident and give them a piece of my mind. I was 17 years old when I graduated high school and told myself that, honestly.
Twenty-five years later, like it or not I am a legend in the adult industry. It is a billion dollar industry and I made it; porn royalty if you will. I am successful, beautiful and confident.
What to wear, what the hell? What I decided to wear to my twenty-five year reunion was like nothing I have in my closet. In fact I waited until I got to my hometown to buy my outfit. So, once it got approved by my sister, I was off. I felt great, happy, and proud of myself. This sure was not the same girl that people saw back in high school, although for some reason I think most of them have seen me in the past years.
Quick recap of the highlights of the night. Most people were nice to me, and then others were just rude. The one guy I did date in high school came up to me like a school boy, asking me if I remembered him; told me if I ever needed a place to stay he has homes all over the world. Come on, like I haven’t heard that before.
Then the big guy on campus came up to me. He asked me what took me out to California. This is the moment; I waited twenty-five years for. I can coward and make up a lie, they all knew anyway. Or be the woman I am today and let those fuckers know who the fuck I am.
Of course I let them know, you guys would have killed me if I didn’t. The one question that stuck out was if drugs lead me into the industry. “No, I am an exhibitionist, but I lived a life you can’t even imagine.” On that night in my home town, I became the new homecoming queen of my high school class.